You want a dog

You say, I want a dog.

I say, a dog won’t fit inside this house. The rooms are too small, our lives are too big, we are crammed inside, too tight. My shoulders brush the door jambs, your head bumps into the ceiling. We breathe each other’s air, too often, coughing, choking. It would be cruel to force a creature with four legs to share the space already filled by our four legs. I’m stepping on your toes trying to keep out of my own way.

This house is old, it is falling down, down around my ears, the dust is in my hair. The walls slump in defeat. The creaking stairs mutter, this is all going to shit. The floors sag under the weight of trapped emotions, under unvoiced complaints and suppressed rages. The cracks creep, widening every day, absorbing us, our souls coated by shifting sheetrock, pulverized plaster.

A dog would bound and leap and bounce and shake the very foundation. It would take over the one bit of remaining space, the nook under the desk, the place I save for when I need to get away. I would implode at the first bark.

Memory moves

A house burns. The woman stands on the lawn in a negligent nightgown, screaming for her lost loves. They flutter above the flames, soaring free, swirling with the smoke, unaware of her tears. As the sun rises, the bits and pieces of memory move west, away from the harsh new light. Beneath the welcoming fronds of a Californian palm tree, they find a new home inside the mind of a man in need of a past.


Boredom is waiting

Boredom is waiting.

Little boredoms: Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting for a frappuccino at Starbucks. Little boredoms don’t bother me – I have lots of patience. It comes from an inflated sense of superiority. I can’t expect too much of the people around me, so I just have to be kind and wait for them to do their jobs at their own speed.

Big boredoms: Waiting for my life to start.

Boredom is time, wasted.

The time wasted by little boredoms doesn’t bother me either. It isn’t my fault I have to stand in this line. Nobody can expect me do anything else at this moment, (I can’t expect myself to do anything else) so I am free to daydream. I can let my mind wander, flitting around the space, landing on heads, imaging good or evil thoughts, silly choices, bizarre desires, devastating decisions. The waiting will end, probably sooner than I’d like, and I’ll have to go back to doing something.

But time wasted waiting for my life to start is just a waste. There is no excuse. Whatever it is, the thing I’m meant to do that hasn’t started yet, the thing I am waiting for, all the time between now and when that starts is wasted.

It is now and it is always and everywhere. I’m forever searching for the signs that the something I’m meant to be/do has finally been found.

For this, I am not waiting patiently.

I’m mashing the buttons on the keyboard, I’m spamming the mouse button, trying to make the damn thing load faster. I’m spinning as fast as I can, trying to make a spark. I start new projects, read new books, think new thoughts, play, walk, move, look, listen. I never stop trying. I make my own luck. I am everywhere and every-when so as to be in the right place at the right time. I’m in it so I can win it. I shoot for the stars. I push and push and push and push myself to do, to be, to act, to Make. Something. Happen.

I’m exhausted.

Everything aches.

I can’t control the panic any longer and suddenly I can’t leave the house for the fear of doing it wrong.


Take a deep breath, take a hundred. Open my eyes…I find myself not-waiting. I am sitting still. This is so odd.

I am here, now, thinking about here, now, not some yet to be moment that may never happen. I listen to a song I love while staring out the window at the birds perched in the vines that climb the wall across the alley. My brain slows down; this is what calm feels like. I sip my coffee and nestle deep into my comfy chair unaccompanied by the familiar, frantic worry of all the things I’m failing to do right now.

Boredom is time wasted waiting for something to start instead of living in the moment just begun.

Maybe my life began a long, long time ago but I was just too bored to notice.


How does one maintain focus on a single activity when there is so much to do and see?

What if some brilliant new thought is missed?

To maintain focus, one must give themselves over wholly to the item at the crosshairs. Commit completely to one idea, forsaking all others.

When distractions arise, one must say, “not now,” knowing that the new idea might be gone when the time of focus is ended.

That potential loss is terrifying.

It is also liberating.

Like the recovering alcoholic who says, “I’m only going to concentrate on not drinking for today, let the future worry about itself,” one can see the freedom in letting go of the buzz of swarming “Look at me’s!” and allowing oneself to relax into the quiet of the single thought.

Trust that if the new thought or urgent message is important enough, it will wait it’s turn.


Friday Update


So, from tomorrow until the 12th I’ll be neglecting you all and my poor clubhouse – gotta go earn some money doing my real job as the dream job can not yet support my food and shelter addiction.

Worked on making the cards selectable today – but no success to report.  Perhaps the long break will give me new ideas to try when I get back.

Have a good weekend!

My First Status Update!


It’s my first status update, and I already messed up!  I forgot to say in the video – PLEASE leave your comments and suggestions on my patreon page so that I can incorporate them into the clubhouse.

ALSO – this video is being posted publicly – but the next one will go to PATREONS ONLY – so sign up now to continue following the adventure!  Only costs a buck!



My 2017

Hello World!

I’m going to build an online space where, through the use of an avatar, you can meet with your real life friends, talk, play games and just hang out in a place all your own. It is not a game – there are no levels, quests or strangers. Instead it’s like a slightly more immersive google hangout or skype chat.

I also intend to post a daily journal entry here on Patreon and also on my blog ( to keep all of my Patreons informed of my progress.

See the video below for a longer demonstration of the clubhouse. As of January 1st, the day I am launching this Patreon page, I am very close to a functional prototype – I just need to make it easy for you to download and login. Once that’s finished, you can hang out – invite a friend – see how things work and tell me how you think I can make it better. Just remember – this is a prototype! Expect bugs! Lots and lots of bugs!

I’m planning on April to have it ready for you because I still have to work at my freelance job. So there will be many days between now and April where I will be unable to work on the clubhouse. A girl’s gotta eat – right? And rest… so I’m taking Sundays off. =) Anyway, I figure this gives me around 280 days to work on this. That’s at least 280 journal entries you should expect to receive from me between now and December 31… Keep me honest! Yell at me if I miss a day!


Change is Good

I’m trying to ignore the fact that as of today, (i love you. i know) 2016 is officially the shittiest year of my almost 46 years on this planet. It’s not just me, I know. Lots of people feel the same.

2016 – the year of death and disillusionment.

I want, instead, to focus on 2017, and on the things I am going to do to change my life.

I’m not going to read the damn news anymore – that’s for sure. Too depressing. Instead, I am going to read books in genres I’ve never read before, like historical fiction and mystery and (yuck) romance. I need to understand how other people think. You all confuse the hell outta me.

I’m going to get out of the house everyday – and I’m going to make sure I don’t look like such a slob when I do. A little effort in getting dressed in the morning will make it a lot easier to greet the world.

I’m going to put all my creative energy this year into developing my programming/app building skills so that by the end of the year I will be qualified, and have proof of that qualification, to get a new job.

So… change.

This blog is a tool I’ve used before to help me focus on following a new path. And I’m going to do that yet again. Starting on the first – I’m going to start documenting those three changes – everyday – except Sundays and holidays and travel days…  so – not the first then, the second. =)

But I’ll be posting all the details about my new super-duper app thingy here on the first – so look out for that.

See you then…